Turns out the other two men who were at Abraham’s tent were angels. When they left Abraham’s tent they came to the entrance to Sodom. Lot met them and welcomed them with a bow. “My lords,” he said. “Come wash your feet and be my guests for the night.” (Notice ‘lord isn’t capitalized’.)
“No thanks,” they replied. “We’ll spend the night in the city square.”
But Lot insisted and they finally relented. Lot prepared a feast with fresh bread made sans yeast. But before they went to bed, all the men of Sodom surrounded the house and shouted, “Where are your guests? Bring them out so we can have sex with them!” (Every man in the city. Was there something in the water?)
So Lot came outside, shut the door, and talked to them. He begged them, “Please don’t do such a wicked thing. Instead, take my two virgin daughters. I’ll bring them to you and you can do whatever you wish to them. But please, these men are my guests and are under my protection.”
“Stand back!” they shouted. “This outsider is acting like our judge! If you think anal sex is bad, watch what we do to you.” And they lunged toward Lot to break down the door.
But the two angels pulled Lot inside and bolted the door. Then they blinded all the men of Sodom.
Meanwhile, the angels told Lot, “Get your other relatives out of the city! God is about to destroy it.” But the men outside thought he was joking. So did Lot.
They warned him again the next morning. “Get your wife and two daughters out of here!” (After offering them up as sex slaves, would he really care?)
When he still hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and two daughters and rushed them outside the city to safety, for God was merciful. One of the angels told them, “Run for your lives and don’t look back or stop anywhere in the valley! Escape to the mountains or you will be swept away!”
“Oh no, God!” Lot begged. “You have been so gracious and kind to me. But I cannot go to the mountains. Disaster would catch up to me there and I would soon die. Let me go to the small nearby village instead. Then my life will be saved.” (The mountains of Sodom were as dangerous as the mountains of Kentucky.)
One of the angels told Lot to go to the village, called Zoar, or “little place.”
Lot reached Zoar as the sun was rising. Then God rained down fire and burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah. He utterly destroyed them, along with the other cities and villages of the plain, including all vegetation and people. Except Zoar. But Lot’s wife looked back to Sodom and was turned into a pillar salt. (Lot put her in a bag and used her salty ashes to preserve meat for the coming year.)
Abraham stood in front of his tent and looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah and watched columns of smoke rise from the cities.
But God had kept Lot safe for Abraham.
Lot left Zoar because he was afraid of the townfolk and went to live in the mountains with his daughters. One day the older daughter said to her sister, “There are no men left in the area, so we can’t get married like everyone else. And our father will soon be too old to have children. Let’s get him drunk and then have sex with him to preserve our family.”
The older daughter slept with him that night but he didn’t know because he was blacked out.
The younger daughter slept with him the next night after getting him drunk.
Both girls became pregnant by their father. The older daughter named her son Moab, the ancestor of the Moabites. The younger daughter named her sone Ben-ammi, the ancestor of the Ammonites.
One day Abraham was sitting at the entrance of his tent during the hottest part of the day. He noticed three men standing nearby. He ran to them and bowed to welcome them.
“My God,” he said, using the Lord’s name in vain. “Stop here if you want. Rest in the shade of this tree while water is brought to wash your feet. And since you’ve honored your servant with this visit, let me make you some food to fuel you for your journey.” (I have no idea what’s going on here.)
So Abraham ran to the tent and told Sarah, “Hurry! Get three large measures of your best flower, the good stuff, and bake some bread.” Then he had his servant quickly prepare a tender calf. When the calf was ready, Abraham took the meat, some yogurt and milk to the men. Abraham watched them eat from the shade of the trees.
The visitors asked where Sarah was. (Creepy.)
“Inside the tent,” he replied.
Then one of them said, “I’ll return this time next year and your wife will have a son.
Sarah was listening from the tent. She laughed and said to herself, How can an old hag like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my husband is just as old?
Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return and she will have a son.” (God didn’t get bent out of shape when Abraham laughed at the same idea.)
Sarah was afraid so she denied it.
But God said, “No, you did laugh.”
God told Abraham, “I have heard a great outcry from Sodom and Gomorrah, because their sin is so flagrant. I’m going to see if their actions are as wicked as I’ve heard.”
The three men headed toward Sodom, but God stayed behind. Abraham asked, “Will you sweep away both the righteous and the wicked? Suppose you find fifty righteous people — will you still sweep it away and not spare it for their sake? Surely you wouldn’t. Should not the judge of all the earth do what is right?”
And God replied, “If I find 50 righteous people in Sodom, I will spare the entire city for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke again. “Let me say something else, even though I’m just ash an dust. Suppose their are only 45 righteous people? Will you still destroy Sodom for lack of five?”
And God said, “I will not destroy it if I find 45 righteous people there.”
This went on until God agreed on the number 10.
God left and Abraham went back to his tent.
When Abram was 99, God told him “I am God Almighty. Serve me faithfully and live a perfect life. I will make you a promise, by which I will guarantee you countless descendants. (First, why you bragging? Second, this is his standard promise.)
Abram fell on his face. Then God said “I’m also changing your name. You will now be called Abraham because you will be the father of many nations. Kings will be among your descendants!”
Then God said “Canaan will always be your land and I’ll always be your God.”
“However,” God said, “You must obey the terms of this promise. Each male must be circumcised on the 8th day of his birth. This also applies to all servants, born or bought. If you don’t cut the foreskin, I’ll cut my end of the deal.”
Then God said he was changing Sarai’s name. “She will now be called Sarah.” Abraham looked confused, so God spelled it for him. “S-A-R-A-H, Sarah.” Abraham said “Use it in a sentence.”
God ignored him and said “I will bless her with a son and she will be the mother of many nations.”
Then Abraham bowed to the ground, but laughed in disbelief. I can’t be a daddy at 100, he thought. So he said to God, “May Ishmael live under your special blessing!”
But God replied, “No, Sarah will give you a son. You will name him Isaac. Since you asked, I’ll also bless Ishmael. He will become the father of 12 princes. Isaac will be born around this time next year.”
After God left, Abraham circumcised all the males in his family, including the slaves. Remember, Abraham was 99 when he had his foreskin cut off.
Sarai, Abram’s wife, couldn’t have children. But she told him to have sex with her Egyptian servant, Hagar (Sarai was a big fan of The Handmaid’s Tale). Abram agreed with her proposal and Sarai gave Hagar to him as a wife.
Abram and Hagar had sex and she became pregnant. But Hagar began treating Sarai with contempt because she was Abram’s baby mama. Then Sarai said to Abram “This is all your fault! I let you sleep with my servant and now she treats me with contempt. God will show you who’s wrong – you or me.” The first episode of Jerry Springer was filmed. They already knew who the father was, so Maury was nixed.
Abram waved her off, beer in one hand and said “Babe, I’m watching the game. She’s your servant, so you handle it.” So Sarai treated Hagar so badly that she ran away.
The angel of God found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from and where are you going, Cotton Eye Joe?”
“I’m running away from my mistress.”
The angel said “Return to her and submit to her authority. Do this and I will give you more descendants than you can count.” (Even though this was the reason for all this mess.)
The angel also said “You will give birth to a son. Name him Ishmael, which means ‘God hears’, because God has heard your distress. Ishmael will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will try to fight everyone and everyone will be against him, even his relatives.” Sarai thought, Why would I want more of these?
Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to God. She said “You are the God who sees me. Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” The spring she was found beside was named Beer-lahai-roi (well of the Living One who sees me).
So Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.
Later, God spoke to Abram in a vision. “Don’t be afraid. I will protect you and your reward will be great.”
But Abram said, “Blah blah blah, O Great One, what good are your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you haven’t given me a child, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant, will inherit my wealth.”
Then God said, “Chill out. Your servant will not be your heir.” Then he took him outside and said “How many stars do you see?” When Abram got up to 3,789 stars, God said “Okay, okay. My point is, you’ll have a lot of descendants.”
Abram believed him.
Then God told him, “I’m the one who gave you all this land.”
But Abram replied “How can I trust you?” Make up your damn mind.
God said, “Bring me a 3-year-old heifer (a virgin cow), a 3-year-old female goat, a 3-year-old ram, a turtledove and a young pigeon.” Abram got them and killed them. Then he cut them in half and laid them side by side. However, he didn’t cut the birds in half. He chased away some vultures.
Abram fell asleep at sundown and a terrifying darkness came upon him. Then God said, “YOUR DESCENDANTS WILL BE SLAVES IN A FOREIGN LAND! But…I will punish the enslaving nation and your descendants will have great wealth. After four generations they will return to this land.”
Abram saw a smoking firepot and a flaming torch pass between the halves of the carcasses. God said “Your descendants’ land will stretch from Egypt to the Euphrates River.”