What I’ve Learned From Being a Father

  1. Carpet and babies don’t mix. Vomit. Spit-up. Pee. Poop. Food. We used to be so particular about keeping our carpets clean. Now we’ll clean them before we sell.
  2. The birth of my daughter is something I’ll never forget. You’re probably thinking “obviously,” but I literally remember everything. From the time my wife’s water broke on Thanksgiving morning to the day we brought her home. Every second is seared into my brain.
  3. Babies smell soooooo good. I would buy a baby scented candle. Gavi’s mouth smelled like a bag of sour cream and cheddar chips for the longest time.
  4. Everything you own will end up in your baby’s mouth. Whether it fits or not.
  5. Patience. Probably the #1 lesson learned. Your time is no longer just your time. She may feed for an hour. She may chew her bib between bites of food. Every time you turn on that show you really want to watch, she’ll scream. On the bright side, when your baby starts napping alone you’ll feel like a superhero with how much you can accomplish in 30 minutes.
  6. How hard being a mother is. Very. There are times when only a mother can soothe a baby. Whenever I think Gavi is being needy, I just think how demanding she is of Laura. If I’m exhausted, how is she feeling?
  7. There are levels to poops. Meconium. Breast milk poop is sweet, “some” would say it smells good. Once food is introduced, that’s when shit happens. And the prizes don’t stand a chance against a box of cereal. Paper bits. A panda ear made from modeling clay. Part of a leaf.
  8. Household items are more fun to play with than the toys you researched for hours and spent your money on. Honestly, what sounds better to you? “Designed with your baby’s development and motor skills in mind” or “No! Don’t touch that.”
  9. Your baby is only hurt if you act like it.
  10. A different type of love. I love her more every day. I could watch her do anything for hours. It really hits me when I’m holding her and feel her heartbeat.
  11. Time flies. I already knew this, but still. And it’s happening right before my eyes.
  12. Spend time with your significant other before the baby arrives. Stock up like a bear preparing for hibernation.
  13. Laundry isn’t a once-a-week chore. If she gets dirty, you’re dirty.
  14. I’d rather get punched in the face than see her cry.

Bible Translation: Genesis Ch. 39

Joseph in Potiphar’s House

Previously on Selling Joseph: Joseph was sold to Potiphar, captain of the guard for Egypt’s Pharaoh.

God made sure Joseph succeeded in everything he did. Potiphar noticed this and made him his personal attendant. God began blessing Potiphar’s household for Joseph’s sake. His crops and livestock flourished. So Potiphar promoted Joseph and gave him complete administrative responsibility over everything he owned. He didn’t worry about anything.
Joseph was a stud, and Potiphar’s wife was thirsty. She demanded he sleep with her.


Joseph refused. “Look, my master trusts me with everything. No one has more authority than I do. He has held nothing back except you, because you’re his wife. How could I be so wicked? I’m not a sinner.”


She kept harassing him and he kept refusing.

He tried avoiding her. One day when he was alone, she grabbed him by his cloak and demanded he sleep with her again. Joseph tore himself away, but left his cloak in her hand as he ran from the house naked.


She called to her servants, “Look! My husband brought this Hebrew slave to make fools of us! He tried raping me. He ran outside when I screamed.”
She kept the cloak with her until Potiphar came home, then she told him her story.

Joseph Gets Locked Up

Potiphar was pissed. He threw Joseph into the prison. But God was behind bars with Joseph and showed him his faithful love.

God made Joseph a favorite with the prison warden. Soon the warden put Joseph in charge of the prisoners and the prison’s affairs. He didn’t have to worry about anything because God made sure Joseph succeeded.

Bible Translation: Genesis Chapter 38

Judah and Tamar

Judah moved to Adullam to stay with a dude named Hirah. He married a Canaanite woman. She gave birth to 3 sons while they lived in Kezib. Judah arranged for his firstborn son, Er, to marry a woman named Tamar. When the marriage official asked if anyone objected, God killed Er because he was wicked.

So Judah urged Er’s brother, Onan, to marry Tamar since the law requires the brother of a deceased groom to marry the bride. “You must produce an heir for your brother.”

But Onan didn’t want a child who wasn’t his own heir. So whenever they had sex, he pulled out.

But God considered it evil for him to deny his dead brother a child, so he killed Onan. Even though he thought Er was wicked, which was why he killed him in the first place.

Judah told Tamar, who he still considered his daughter-in-law, “Go live as a widow with your parents until my third son, Shelah, is old enough to marry you. Third time’s a charm.” Strange considering age really was nothing but a number back then. But Judah didn’t intend for this to happen because he was afraid Shelah would die too.

Judah’s wife died. After mourning, Judah and Hirah went to Timnah to supervise the shearing of his sheep. Someone told Tamar, “Look, your kinda-sorta-almost-twice-father-in-law is going to Timnah to shear his sheep.”

Tamar knew that Shelah was a big boy, but no marriage proposal had come. So she disguised herself with a veil and waited on the road to Timnah. Judah thought she was a prostitute and asked her to do something strange for a piece of change.

“How much will you pay to sleep with me?” she asked.
“I’ll send you a young goat from my flock.”
“But what will you give me to guarantee that you will send the goat?”
“Like what?”
“Leave your ID and walking stick with me.”
Judah agreed and they had sex. She became pregnant.

Later Judah asked Hirah to take the goat to the prostitute and to pick up his collateral. But he couldn’t find her. He asked some people about the prostitute but they had never seen one.
Hirah returned to Judah and told him.

“Then let her keep my stuff,” Judah said. “I did my part and sent the goat.”
About three months later, Judah was told Tamar had acted like a prostitute and was now pregnant.
“Bring her out and let her be burned!” he demanded.

But as they were taking her out to kill her, she asked “The man who owns this ID and walking stick is the father of the child. Look closely.”

Judah recognized them immediately and said “She is more righteous than I am.” Judah never slept with her again.

Tamar was carrying twins. One of the babies stuck his hand out of her vagina. The midwife tied a scarlet string around his wrist. But then he pulled his hand back in and his brother came out first. He was named Perez. The baby with the scarlet string was named Zerah.

Writer’s Block

So many letters forming

so many words forming

so many sentences forming

so many stories

I sit to write

Nothing

Lake Winnipesaukee

Fog obstructs my view Is it rolling off the water Or from my meds Is it forming above the surface Or behind my eyes

Fog obstructs my view

Is it rolling off the water

Or from my meds

Is it forming above the surface

Or behind my eyes