But that night, in the darkness, Laban took Leah, his older daughter (who was described as lacking a spark in her eyes) to Jacob, and he slept with her.
“You must not marry any of these Canaanite women. Instead, go at once to Paddan-aram and marry one of your cousins. May God bless you and give you many inbred children. Nations, descendants, all that jazz. Oh, and lots of land.”
So Jacob got the goats and Rebekah made goat mac n cheese.
“Why are you here?” Isaac asked. “You obviously hate me.”
She was beautiful, old enough to be married, and still a virgin. Check, check, check.