Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 16

Boy reading Bible

Sarai, Abram’s wife, couldn’t have children. But she told him to have sex with her Egyptian servant, Hagar (Sarai was a big fan of The Handmaid’s Tale). Abram agreed with her proposal and Sarai gave Hagar to him as a wife.


Abram and Hagar had sex and she became pregnant. But Hagar began treating Sarai with contempt because she was Abram’s baby mama. Then Sarai said to Abram “This is all your fault! I let you sleep with my servant and now she treats me with contempt. God will show you who’s wrong – you or me.” The first episode of Jerry Springer was filmed. They already knew who the father was, so Maury was nixed.


Abram waved her off, beer in one hand and said “Babe, I’m watching the game. She’s your servant, so you handle it.” So Sarai treated Hagar so badly that she ran away.
The angel of God found Hagar beside a spring of water in the wilderness, along the road to Shur. The angel said “Hagar, Sarai’s servant, where have you come from and where are you going, Cotton Eye Joe?”
“I’m running away from my mistress.”
The angel said “Return to her and submit to her authority. Do this and I will give you more descendants than you can count.” (Even though this was the reason for all this mess.)
The angel also said “You will give birth to a son. Name him Ishmael, which means ‘God hears’, because God has heard your distress. Ishmael will be a wild man, as untamed as a wild donkey! He will try to fight everyone and everyone will be against him, even his relatives.” Sarai thought, Why would I want more of these?
Thereafter, Hagar used another name to refer to God. She said “You are the God who sees me. Have I truly seen the One who sees me?” The spring she was found beside was named Beer-lahai-roi (well of the Living One who sees me).
So Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.

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