Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 9

Then God blessed Noah and his sons and told them, “Have lots of babies. Fill the earth. All animals will look on you with fear and terror. I have placed them in your power. I have given them to you for food, just as I have given you grain and veggies. But you must never eat any meat that still has the lifeblood in it.” (Does this mean raw meat or taking a bite out of a live deer? No wonder squirrels run from me. I don’t want to eat you!)
“And I will require the blood of anyone who takes another person’s life. If an animal kills a person, it must die. And anyone who murders a fellow human must die by human hands. Now go repopulate the earth. Chop chop!”
Then God told Noah and his sons, “I promise, never again will floodwaters kill all life and destroy the earth. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”
Then God said, “As a sign of my good faith, I give you the rainbow. When I send clouds, the rainbow will appear in them, and I will remember my promise.” (Alzheimer’s had taken its toll by this point.)
Everyone is a descendant of Noah’s three sons; Shem, Ham and Japheth.
Noah planted a vineyard after the flood. One day he dipped into his stash and got hammered, lying naked inside his tent. Ham saw his dad naked and told his brothers. Then Shem and Japheth took a robe into the tent and covered their father, looking away so they didn’t see his penis.
Noah woke hungover, raging after he learned that Ham saw his penis. Then he cursed Ham’s son, Canaan: “May he be the lowest of servants to his relatives. May God bless Shem and make Canaan his servant! May God give lots of land to Japheth and make Canaan his servant too!”
Noah died when he was 950.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: