Bible Translation: Genesis, Chapter 2

Back at it again with the creation. Or maybe not. God rested on the seventh day to watch football. So he didn’t feel guilty about not working, he declared the seventh day to be holy.
That is how the earth and heavens were created.

Apparently, when God made the earth and heavens, plants nor grains were growing. Which is odd because I’m pretty sure he put some of those down. Anyway, there hadn’t been any rain (so the grass didn’t need to be mowed) and there were no people to farm. Instead, he created automatic sprinklers to water the plant life at programmed intervals. Then God made a man from dust, which he apparently gathered before the sprinklers cut on. (By the way, didn’t he already create man?) He gave the man CPR to bring him to life.
Then God planted a Garden in Eden in the east, which is where he put the man. Then God made trees grow. In the middle he put the tree of life and the tree of knowledge and good and evil.
A river flowed through Eden that watered the garden and divided into four branches. The first branch, called the Pishon, flowed around the land of Havilah, where gold was found. The gold is exceptionally pure (duh). Aromatic resin and onyx stone are also found there. The second branch, called the Gihon, flowed around the entire land of Cush. No word on if marijuana was grown there. The third branch, called the Tigris (this one I’ve heard of), flowed east of Asshur. The fourth branch is called the Euphrates (2 for 4).
God expected the man to take care of the Garden of Eden. But God warned him, “You can eat the fruit of any tree, except from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you will die. 100 percent. Dead.” He was such a tease.
The God said, “Nobody likes being lonely.” So God called all the animals to Eden and let the man name them all.


But something was still missing.
So God gave him ambien. While he slept, God took a rib (I’m assuming the ambien was laced with an anesthetic). Then God made a woman from the rib. (I know, I’d like some details too).
The man exclaimed “At last! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” Sure.
This explains why guys leave their parents and get married. No idea why women leave.
Here’s the big reveal: they were both shamelessly naked!

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